If you’re struggling in your relationship, you may find yourself wondering:

“Should I see a counsellor on my own, or should we go together?”

Maybe your partner isn’t sure they want to attend.

Maybe you’re not even sure whether you want to stay in the relationship.

Or maybe you know you want to work on things together but also feel like there are personal patterns, triggers, or past experiences you’d like to address on your own.

There isn’t one right answer.

The best place to start depends on what you’re hoping to change and who needs to be involved for that change to happen.

Individual and couples counselling have different purposes, but they can also complement each other. Understanding the difference can help you choose an approach that feels appropriate for where you are right now.

Key Takeaways

• Individual relationship counselling focuses on your own patterns, emotions, triggers, and experiences that may be affecting your relationships.
• Couples counselling focuses on the relationship and the patterns developing between partners.
• Individual counselling can be a good starting point if you’re unsure about the relationship, want to work on your own patterns, or aren’t sure whether your partner will participate.
• Couples counselling is often most helpful when both partners want to improve communication, address recurring conflict, rebuild trust, or strengthen their relationship.
• Individual and couples counselling can complement each other, but it’s generally best for them to be provided by different counsellors.
• If your partner won’t attend couples counselling, individual work can still help you understand your needs, change your own responses, and gain clarity about the relationship.

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Table of Contents

• Quick Answer Up Front
• What Is Individual Relationship Counselling?
• What Is Couples Counselling?
• When Individual Counselling Is the Right Starting Point
• When Couples Counselling Is Most Beneficial
• Can You Do Both at the Same Time?
• A Note on Safety and Suitability
• How to Choose the Right Counsellor
• FAQs
• Next Steps

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Quick Answer Up Front

If you’re unsure whether to start with individual vs. couples counselling, consider what you’re hoping to change.

If you want to better understand your own emotions, attachment patterns, relationship anxiety, past experiences, or triggers, individual relationship counselling may be a good place to start.

If your main concern is the relationship itself—such as recurring conflict, communication problems, emotional disconnection, or rebuilding trust—couples counselling may be more appropriate.

And you don’t necessarily have to choose one forever.

Some people begin with individual counselling and later transition into couples counselling. Others participate in both at the same time with different counsellors.

The important question isn’t whether the problem is “you” or “the relationship.”

It’s what needs to change and who needs to be involved for that change to happen.

What Is Individual Relationship Counselling?

Individual relationship counselling is counselling focused on you and the way you experience relationships.

That might include exploring:

• Attachment patterns
• Relationship anxiety
• Trust issues
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Avoiding conflict
• People-pleasing
• Emotional regulation
• Past relationship experiences
• Family-of-origin patterns
• Triggers that affect how you respond to your partner

The goal isn’t necessarily to determine whether your relationship should continue.

Instead, individual counselling can give you space to understand yourself more clearly and consider what you want from your relationships.

For example, you might begin to notice:

“I tend to become anxious whenever my partner needs space.”

Or:

“I shut down whenever someone brings up a concern because I learned growing up that conflict wasn’t safe.”

Understanding these patterns can give you more choice in how you respond.

Individual counselling can also help you clarify what you need from your relationship and whether those needs are being met.

Sometimes, that clarity helps someone recommit to the relationship.

Sometimes, it helps them recognize that the relationship isn’t meeting their needs and make a different decision.

Both outcomes can be valuable.

What Is Couples Counselling?

Couples counselling focuses on the relationship as the client.

Rather than working primarily with one person’s individual patterns, the counsellor helps both partners understand what’s happening between them.

This might include:

• Recurring conflict
• Communication breakdowns
• The pursue-withdraw cycle
• Emotional disconnection
• Resentment
• Trust issues
• Rebuilding after betrayal
• Intimacy concerns
• Premarital preparation
• Adjusting to major life transitions

One of the biggest benefits of couples counselling is that you don’t have to figure out the relationship dynamic on your own.

A counsellor can help slow things down, identify the cycle you’re getting caught in, and make sure both partners have an opportunity to be heard.

The goal isn’t to determine which partner is right.

It’s to understand the pattern and help both people develop healthier ways of relating to one another.

When Individual Counselling Is the Right Starting Point

There are several situations where individual counselling may be the better place to begin.

You’re Unsure Whether You Want to Stay in the Relationship

If you’re questioning whether you want to continue investing in your relationship, it can be difficult to jump directly into couples counselling.

You may first need space to understand:

• What you want
• What your needs are
• What’s working in the relationship
• What’s not working
• What you’re willing to change
• What you need your partner to change
• Whether the relationship is capable of meeting your needs

Individual counselling can provide space to work through that uncertainty without feeling pressured to make an immediate decision.

You Want to Work on Your Own Patterns

You don’t need to wait until your partner is ready to participate to start changing your own side of the relationship.

Maybe you recognize that you become defensive during conflict.

Maybe you struggle with relationship anxiety and constantly seek reassurance.

Maybe you tend to shut down when you’re upset.

Or perhaps you want to better understand how your past experiences affect the way you relate to your partner.

Individual counselling can help you develop greater self-awareness and learn how to respond differently.

Changing your side of the pattern can also have a positive effect on the relationship, even if your partner isn’t doing the same work yet.

Your Partner Isn’t Sure About Couples Counselling

Sometimes one partner is ready for counselling while the other is hesitant.

This can be frustrating, especially if you feel like nothing will change unless both of you participate.

But you don’t necessarily have to wait.

Starting individual counselling can help you work on your own patterns, gain clarity about what you need, and better understand how you want to approach the relationship.

Over time, you may also be able to invite your partner into couples counselling from a more grounded place.

When Couples Counselling Is Most Beneficial

Couples counselling may be the better starting point when the main concern is the relationship dynamic between you.

You’re Stuck in Recurring Conflict

If you keep having the same argument without getting anywhere, it can be difficult to change the pattern on your own.

For example, you might repeatedly fall into a pursue-withdraw cycle where one partner pushes for a conversation while the other pulls away.

Or one partner may become defensive whenever the other raises a concern.

Couples counselling creates a space to slow that cycle down and understand what’s happening for both people.

You’re Struggling to Communicate

Sometimes couples know what they want to say but can’t seem to communicate it in a way their partner can actually hear.

A counsellor can help partners express concerns, emotions, and needs without immediately falling into blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

The goal isn’t simply to teach you how to “communicate better.”

It’s to understand why your communication keeps breaking down in the first place.

You’re Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

When a relationship has been affected by an affair, significant dishonesty, or another breach of trust, both partners often need space to process what’s happened.

The hurt partner may need to understand and express the impact of the betrayal.

The other partner may need support in taking accountability and rebuilding safety.

Because the injury and repair are happening within the relationship, couples counselling can provide an important structure for working through it together.

You’re Preparing for Marriage

You don’t have to wait until your relationship is struggling to attend couples counselling.

Premarital counselling can help couples talk about important areas such as communication, conflict, finances, family expectations, intimacy, and future goals before they become larger sources of conflict.

The goal isn’t to find out whether you’re compatible enough to get married.

It’s to develop the skills and understanding needed to navigate differences together.

Can You Do Both at the Same Time?

Yes.

Individual and couples counselling can complement each other.

For example, you might attend couples counselling to work on your communication and recurring conflict while also working individually on relationship anxiety or past experiences that are being triggered within the relationship.

However, I generally don’t recommend having the same counsellor provide both individual and couples counselling.

The reason is that the client in individual counselling is the individual, while the client in couples counselling is the couple.

That creates two different therapeutic relationships.

If the same counsellor is working with one partner individually and also working with the couple, it can create a dual relationship and potentially a conflict of interest.

What is best for the individual isn’t always the same as what is best for the couple.

For example, an individual may share information privately that changes how the counsellor understands the relationship. The counsellor then has to navigate how that information affects their work with the couple.

This can create an imbalance and make it harder to maintain the neutrality and safety that couples counselling requires.

For that reason, if you’re doing both, it is generally preferable to work with different counsellors.

This allows each therapeutic relationship to have a clear purpose and gives both the individual and the couple appropriate space.

A Note on Safety and Suitability

Couples counselling isn’t appropriate for every relationship.

In particular, traditional couples counselling is generally not recommended when there is ongoing intimate partner violence, coercive control, or a significant fear of the other partner.

If one person doesn’t feel safe being honest in front of their partner, couples counselling may not provide the safe environment needed for meaningful therapeutic work.

In these situations, the priority is safety and appropriate individual support rather than simply learning better communication skills.

There may also be situations where one or both partners need individual support before couples counselling can be effective.

A counsellor can help you determine what approach is most appropriate based on your circumstances.

How to Choose the Right Counsellor

Once you’ve decided to reach out, you may still wonder:

“How do I know which type of counsellor I need?”

You don’t necessarily need to have that answer before contacting someone.

A consultation can be an opportunity to explain what’s happening and discuss whether individual or couples counselling makes the most sense.

You may also want to consider whether the counsellor has experience with the issues you’re hoping to address.

For relationship concerns, this might include training or experience in:

• Attachment-based counselling
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
• Couples counselling
• Gottman Method principles
• Relationship anxiety
• Infidelity and trust repair
• Premarital counselling
• Trauma as it relates to relationships

Most importantly, you want to feel like the counsellor understands what you’re looking for and provides a therapeutic environment where you feel comfortable being honest.

FAQs

Q: Should I see a therapist alone or with my partner?
A: It depends on what you’re hoping to change.

If you’re primarily wanting to work on your own patterns, relationship anxiety, attachment concerns, or past experiences, individual counselling may be the right starting point.

If you’re primarily struggling with communication, recurring conflict, disconnection, or another issue between the two of you, couples counselling may be more appropriate.

If you’re unsure, you can discuss your situation with a counsellor before deciding.

Q: What if my partner refuses couples counselling?
A: You can still begin individual counselling.

Working on your own “side of the street” can help you understand your patterns, manage triggers, communicate differently, and gain clarity about what you need from the relationship.

It doesn’t guarantee that your partner will change, but it gives you more control over your own choices and responses.

It can also help you determine whether the relationship is capable of meeting your needs.

Q: Can individual counselling improve my relationship even if my partner doesn’t participate?
A: Yes.

Changing your own responses can affect the relationship dynamic.

For example, learning to regulate your emotions before reacting, communicate your needs more clearly, or stop participating in an unhealthy cycle can change the way interactions unfold.

However, one person cannot single-handedly create a healthy relationship.

If the relationship problems require changes from both partners, couples counselling may eventually be beneficial.

Q: Is couples counselling only for couples in crisis?
A: No.

Couples counselling can be useful well before a relationship reaches a crisis point.

Some couples seek support because they want to improve communication, prepare for marriage, navigate a major transition, or address recurring issues before they become more serious.

Q: Can I start with individual counselling and move to couples counselling later?
A: Absolutely.

In fact, this can be a helpful approach if you’re unsure about the relationship, want to work on your own patterns first, or aren’t sure whether your partner is willing to participate.

The important thing is choosing an approach that fits your current needs.

Q: Should my individual therapist and couples counsellor be the same person?
A: Generally, it’s preferable for them to be different counsellors.

Because the individual and the couple are separate clients, having one therapist provide both forms of counselling can create a dual relationship or conflict of interest.

Working with different counsellors allows each therapeutic relationship to maintain a clear focus and appropriate boundaries.

Next Steps

If you’re still wondering whether you should see a counsellor individually or together as a couple, you don’t necessarily need to figure it out on your own.

Start by asking yourself:

What am I hoping will change?

If you’re looking for greater clarity, self-awareness, or support with your own patterns, individual relationship counselling may be a good place to start.

If you’re hoping to change the dynamic between you and your partner, couples counselling may be the better fit.

And if you’re still unsure, that’s okay too.

A consultation can help you talk through what’s happening and determine which approach makes the most sense for you.

Explore our services:

• Individual Relationship Counselling
• Couples Counselling
• Relationship Anxiety Counselling
• Meet the Team

Related Resources:

• Individual vs. Couples Counselling — Which One Is Right for You?
• How to Choose the Right Counsellor in Vancouver
• What to Expect in Your First Counselling Session in Vancouver

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